Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
