Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
