Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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