Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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