Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
