Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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