Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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