after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
