I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
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It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
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you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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