Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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