Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
