if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
