Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The uberlube is also flammable
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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