take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
