my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
