i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
