please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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