so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Randomize
