how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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