Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
