his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
