If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
