you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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