girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
