Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize