I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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