Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
