I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I am midnight drunk by noon
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
