I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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