I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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