Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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