I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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