Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
