If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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