god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
