he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
