I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
