Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
