you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
