dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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