I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
