there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
