I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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