I feel great
I just peed on a car
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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