he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
