i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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