Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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