Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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