I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
