Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
