Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
