Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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