My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
