So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
